Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Pulling a "Michelle"

Before I begin potificating, I would like to thank Courtney for helping me lose my blogginity. Not only didn't I know what a blog was, I never new I would become a blogger. For that I feel blessed! Thank you Courtney and all blog readers/writers!

Now, enough of the BS. To explain the aforementioned, we must travel back in time. It was a balmy California night in October 2004. Yours truly, was preparing for the cross country move of a lifetime (NY to Cali). A friend who lived in Beverly Hills was kind enough to invite me into her home for a few weeks so that I could interview for jobs, find an apartment and quite honestly do some serious California-style shopping! On this night, instead of catching up on backlogged America Idol episodes with my friend (and I am sure you can appreciate why) I decided to go out with an old friend who I had not seen in quite some time. This young man was a former proverbial notch on my belt (you need to remember this fact for later). We'll call him Manny Mannerson (to protect his identity of course).

Manny picked me up in his Porsche Cheyenne (so California!) and we proceed to ......Well actually, nothing. We decided to chill out in the car outside of my friends house. So we talk about the good old days like a bunch of alta cockas (for you non-Yiddish speaking folk, that means "old people"). All of a sudden I see Manny looking out the window of my side of the car and then reach for the gear shift. I looked behind me to see what could have possibly spooked Manny (side note....Manny is a brazen Israeli)...being that we were in the middle of Beverly hills, and I see two rather shady looking characters walking towards the car. "You got the time?" one asks me. In the corner of my eye I see the other walking around to Manny's side of the car. "Move the car and I'll kill you," shady character #2 says. At this point it was apparent, we wuz gettin mugged, yo! Well lucky for me (and I use the term lucky here very loosely), I had no valuables on me. Unfortunately for me, on the other hand, shady character #1 did not believe me.....Our interaction went something like this
"Give me your purse" he said.
"I don't have one" I replied
"Okay, but give me your purse"
"But I don't have one"
"Okay but give me what's in your purse"
By now I am actually a little pissed at the guy for not getting it so I reply "Okay dude, but I don't have anything on me." To which he replied "Ill kill you if you don't give it to me," while he leans all the way into the car peering at my lap.....I think now he believed me. Regardless, I say "Listen dude, I'd give it to you if I had it, but I aint got nuthin on me, bro!" Meanwhile on Manny's end, thinks were lookin' worse.......Being that he had a gun aimed at his head and all. Fortunately, they got very little from Manny (about $50 and his pride). Shady character #2 reached his hand into the car shuts the engine (but leaves the keys in the ignition [someone call America's Dumbest Criminals]) and says "don't follow us or we'll kill you". And off both shady characters run, down the block (about 20 yards away) to their VERY identifiable electric blue Dodge Durango complete with visible license plates, and busted left tail light! Manny calls the Beverly Hills Cops (as a new Yorker I'm half expecting Det. Foley to show up), gives a description of the car and dudes, while he throws the car into gear and follows the perps, never once asking all 12 pounds of puney lil' old me, if I'm ok. In case you wanted to know (since Manny has no manners) I was definitely not ok. I think that's about the closest I've come to literally loosing my s--t. The police told us to pull over where we were and that they would call us back......ok, i guess that's protocol out here, cuz in New York, the cops would have been more like "Better luck next time, sucka!"

About 4.369 minutes later, Mannys cell rings and its the cops. "We got your guys, we're sending a car over to pick you up so you can identify 'em." Now its gettin real California like, and exciting too. This NY'er has not seen any drama like this...EVER!

The cops pick us up and I sat in the extremely uncomfortable back seat (Manny sits in the front!) with a shotgun between my legs (less fun than its sounds) and in true keeping with California perp-catching tradition, we pull up on the funniest scene. They have the perps, cuffed on the side of the road, surrounded by, oh, I don't know, about, ten police cars, with their flood lights aimed directly at them! (Mind you, the BH police were very surprised to hear that I had never actually been mugged on the east coast). Blah blah blah, to get the point........We identify the dudes, give our statement and head back to my friends house. We get there, and still having not asked me if I was ok Manny needs serious convincing to F'in walk me up to the door. I didn't think it was too much to ask. Anyway, we get to the door and this mofo makes a move on me! I'm like "Uh, being that we just got mugged and all, Im kinda not in the mood to get it on, right now." To which he responds "Well, do you have a time frame?" "Yeah, NEVER, you freakin dill hole!" Suffice to say that Manny and I are no longer in touch.

What, you might ask is the F'in point here. Well let me answer like this:

After telling Manny where to shove it, I entered my friends house who was sleeping at this point and I debated telling her that, a-I just got mugged, and b-it was in her driveway. I decided against it. I didnt want to wake her up.....I felt bad. What good could come of breaking this kind of news to someone at 2 AM? So I went to my room, very freaking frazzled and lay awake hoping that I would make it through the night. The next morning, my friend comes into my room to wake me for what had become the daily norm, job searching.

"I have something to tell you," I said to her. "I got mugged last night, in your driveway and Im slightly freaked out".

"WHY DIDNT YOU WAKE ME UP! Are you ok, what happened? If I new I would have cradled you in my arms all night!" Who gets mugged and feels bad waking someone up to tell them?!?!?!?!" And so it goes, I pulled a Michelle (an frequent habit of mine).

Moral of the story goes: Stop trying to be nice to other people when you have a crisis. F' them (especially if they get mad) and WAKE THEM UP! Or, you could just do like Courtney or I and pull a Michelle. Just know that people will make fun of you afterwards.

The End


Stephanie Gugliemo said...

This may be the funniest carjacking story ever! Kudos to the Beverly Hills Cop reference.

captain court said...

Agreed. Wouldn't it also be funny if it turned out that the gun was really plastic, a la Legend of Billie Jean.

Michelle Sonneberg said...

Get this.....they sent out a k-9 unit to look for the gun which the perps had ditched when they realized they were being was never found.
and PS the Juvie's were tried as adults cuz they threatened to kill us and then they were found guilty and given 7 and 4 years in the clink, respectively!